Friday, January 21, 2011

when I was a kid I wanted so many things. I wanted to love but never get hurt. I wanted to always laugh; not the forced kind, but the genuine and hearty ones. I wanted to sing for my family and my friends and strangers and the birds and the bees and you and the world. I wanted to reach out my arms and have butterflies land, because they like me. I wanted to explore the world and see things I could otherwise only read about. I wanted to spend lazy afternoons laying on grass and staring at the sky, which would never be gloomy but always bright and blue and happy. I wanted to always be nice and forgiving and love everybody. I wanted to be a hero and save the day. I wanted to climb mountains. I wanted to sky-dive. I wanted to plunge into the deep blue ocean and scuba-dive. I wanted to eat cupcakes by the sea.

but now that I am old(er), I no longer need all these things. true, I still want them, but I no longer need. more than anything, I just want to be happy and to enjoy life at my own pace. but in this society can I? when the world moves ever so fast can I not!? so many question marks, so many unknowns.

when I was a kid I wanted to be so many things. I wanted to be a policewoman and destroy bad people, like people who murder others just to make themselves feel better. I wanted to be a pastry chef and bake pretty cupcakes and cookies comparable to famous amos's. I wanted to be a teacher for a long time too, but I stopped because my friends told me it is difficult. then, I wanted to be a hotel general manager and then a doctor and then a lawyer and then a photographer and then a psychologist and then suddenly, I wanted to be nothing. but now, after turning many rounds, I am back to wanting to be a teacher. I dun know whether this path would be the right one for me. I dun know whether I will love this job. I dun know how long I can stick with this. heck, I am even clueless whether I am going to BE one eventually. maybe no school would want me? maybe I would change my mind? maybe I want to be a doctor again tomorrow? or a lawyer? or a sales person?

just reminded myself why growing up sucks sometimes.

signing off, viting
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